Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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