We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
