mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
