You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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