guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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