Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
