A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
