My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
