I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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