Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
