One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
