Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
