we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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