shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
