I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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