What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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