we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize