Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.