I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
