this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him