My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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