Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
