Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
