Your dad touched me again.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
