Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
