and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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