The maid of honor just puked.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
