wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my shit smells like andre
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
