we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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