i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
