i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
