It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
