you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
