A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
