Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
