Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
