I skipped work to stalk him.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
