Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
