just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Someone signed my nipple.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
