I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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