I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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