I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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