A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
