Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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