he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
