dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
