True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
