Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i can't believe i had my finger in that
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
