you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
