I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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