I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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