It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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