i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I need to calm my uterus...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
