I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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