I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
