I think I won the penis lottery.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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