i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence