Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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