a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
