if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
