I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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