I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
